Dad and I

I was always kind of proud when people said I look like him, since big brother was always said to look like Mom. When we found a picture of him when he was actually my current age, I realized that he was much better looking.

We both are strong drinkers and like to read. My career progression matched Dad, in similar ages. We were both techno-bureaucrats that gradually “climb the ladder” to relatively senior positions. Dad reached his peak around his mid-fifties and I probably too. Only after I have grown up I realized how senior a position Dad held. He had a corner office with sofa and coffee table and an admin outside. He oversaw an operation of several hundred people. Overall, Dad did quite well when he retired at 64, probably would have been better than me.

Why do people, myself in particular, obsessed about their parents? Why do men spend that much time thinking of their fathers? Do we all think that we will follow their footsteps, in health, personality, career, decision making, and life style? Is this genetic that we cling on our parents, emotionally? I just cannot help thinking of Dad since he died. Most of my thinking were on how much similar or dissimilar that I am with him. Why can’t I think of anything else?

Strangely, I am less sad than I thought I would have been. I choked up a bit when someone asked and I replied, “He just passed away.” What I felt is a sense of emptiness — the cliché that something is missing in my heart. I realized that I rarely seek Dad’s advices or guidance. Instead, I have been fulfilling his expectations of me: college, marriage, family, work ethics, etc. Those expectations faded aways as I clearly have established myself. Since then, we were really more like friends than father-and-son.

And his hearty laughters will now only echo in my memory.

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